Regaining Confidence through Vulnerability

It has been a few months since my last post. Instinctually, I feel guilty for not keeping up with the weekly or biweekly posts I initially intended when I started blogging again this past December. However, when I think about what I spent my time doing instead during this period, I feel a bit less troubled. I spent the month of March studying for the portion of the NSCA Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist exam that I did not pass (by four questions!) back in December. (More on that in my previous post, The 5 Stages of Disappointment.) It was challenging to get back into studying because for most of February I was listening to the negative voice in my head saying that I wasn’t capable of passing the exam and I should try to find a different career interest or just stick with accounting and find a way to feel like a Born-Again Accountant. But I realized that negative voice was also a scared voice. I was actually more scared of passing the exam than I was of not passing for a second time. If I passed the exam, I would have the opportunity to move onto training others. Training others would mean I’d be the center of attention; very opposite of my behind-the-scenes accounting background. Could I make such a drastic change, could I carry on a conversation with someone I’d never met before, would they like the exercises I chose for them, what if they think I’m boring, what if they know I’m new? Aaahhh!!! I would be vulnerable.

In my current accounting position, I am safe. I know what I am doing, it comes easy to me and for the most part I regularly get positive feedback on my assignments. But with safety also comes monotony and lack of satisfaction and excitement in both my daily tasks and longer-term projects. Every day is like Groundhog Day.

So, although I was borderline terrified of putting myself in a position of vulnerability, I made the decision to move forward, fight for that opportunity and pursue something that I was passionate about instead of something that was just safe. I read over my notes from the first time I attempted the test, reread all the applicable chapters of the text, researched terminology in the book I wasn’t familiar with, watched videos on tests or exercises not specifically demonstrated in the text, retook all of the practice quizzes and tests. Heck, I even watched a little of the NFL Combine to better familiarize myself with some of the lingo. All these extra efforts this time around paid off. I passed!

I made the announcement in texts to my family, my close friends and my trainer then printed off my e-mailed certificate in color (no grayscale for this!) and magnetized it to the fridge. A day or two later I thought, now what? Oh yeah, the crazy scary vulnerable step of putting myself out there to get clients. Let me just enjoy this feeling of accomplishment a little longer before I get to that part, I told myself. I was letting my fear of vulnerability get to me again and struggling to take that next step. Luckily, at my next training session, my trainer asked if I’d like to do an internship where I would use his gym to train volunteers at no charge to get some experience. Yes! I just needed a little push and a clearer path onto the next step of becoming a personal trainer. While waiting to find the first volunteer I also completed a few case studies where I designed exercise programs for mock clients with injuries and exercise preferences. These case studies and the feedback on possible improvements to the program gave me a sense of confidence and I wasn’t a complete imposter in the fitness field. Sure, I still have a lot to learn, but I have a solid base of knowledge and experience to get started.

I didn’t have to wait long before my former co-worker volunteered to be my first client. The nerves set in again, but I was able to push through them knowing that she would be a familiar face. Plus, if by some chance I was terrible at training her, at least she knew I was good at accounting and not awful at everything. I got about three hours of sleep the night before our first session, but it was a success! Later that night she told me that she had so much energy she wanted to train for the Boston Marathon, lol. One step at a time, but I was relieved she enjoyed the first session and was excited about exercising in general.

But, around this same time fear challenged me again. My trainer asked if I’d be willing to train another volunteer, this time someone he knew. I froze. Training someone I knew was nerve-wracking but at least I didn’t have to worry about the social anxiety aspect, which was my biggest insecurity. Could I train someone I’d never met before, would they like me, would I embarrass myself? All those initial fears crept back up again instantly, and I delayed confirming if I was willing to train another volunteer. But, with a few days to think it over and remember that I really wanted this, that I’d have to be vulnerable initially and that everyone starts somewhere, I agreed to train someone I didn’t know and faced my biggest fear. Being open to the idea of vulnerability at this point, I even admitted to my trainer that the reason I hesitated was out of fear. To my surprise, he was glad I shared this. I’m still not really sure why my fear admission was received in a positive way, but maybe with time I’ll see that being vulnerable isn’t as horrible as I expected.

Now that I’ve overcome many self-imposed mental obstacles, I feel more freedom to just enjoy fitness. I’ve found myself researching different niche areas of fitness I may want to focus on. It will take time and experimentation to determine what I want to specialize in, and it may even change and evolve. For now, I’m trying some Pilates routines and getting outside to run again now that the weather is milder and I’m finally over my fourth or fifth cold this past flu season, ugh. I like the concept of your body being your gym and also am interested in prehab and corrective exercises to reduce the chance of injuries. The reason I decided to pursue personal training was because of the success I had in treating and resolving my back pain. Lots to explore and lots to be excited about. 🙂