I am aware that I have not posted in quite some time, but the reason is simple. I feel as though I have lost every last speck of self confidence I have. I am angry, confused and sad all at once almost all of the time. Why am I sharing this publicly? Why not? Honesty is the best policy, right? Well, honesty has taught me that I am expendable at my job even though I thought I was bringing unique skills. Because of that, I am angry that I allowed myself to stay in a position that did not allow me to grow my skillset, I am confused about what career path to take next and I am sad that no other employers seem to find my education and employment history desirable. I feel as though I have no positive options. Family and friends want me to stay put, stay in the safety zone. Every day I think of ways out, paths to freedom, but every day I see a new path; there is no consistency. Monday I may think about quitting without another job lined up and spending my free time taking online professional courses, joining a gym to see if I could make a career out of being a personal trainer and volunteering to help the elderly in some way. Then Tuesday comes along and I think I should get a journalism certificate because I like writing and I like staying current on politics. Wednesday rolls around and I want to be a paralegal, a position that is always busy and involved with important information. Aah Thursday, the day I think it is best to stay put and wait for some supposed staff changes to occur. Finally Friday and I want to get a finance or accounting job at a large Boston corporation. Saturday and Sunday I beat myself up for being a walking question mark with a stormy cloud over its head. Then the week starts again and I have new delusions of grandeur that will set me back even further.
For those close to me reading this, please know that I am not proud of these negative feelings. I want to be positive again and stop feeling sorry for myself, but apparently I need more time. I have tried to fight it with exercising daily, adjusting vitamins and clearing my mind by reading more, but those strategies have only served as a temporary bandage. For now, all I have is hope that in time something will change to lift me out of this terrible rut.