The Daily Fight

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Everyday feels like a fight to put out the growing embers of self-doubt, negativity and confusion. My career and lifestyle did not turn out the way I had imagined.  Looking back on old high school essays, my aspirations at the age of 18 entailed a marriage, children and ownership of a small bakery business.  None of those dreams have turned into a reality ten years later.  Although, I still hope to start a family at some point in my life, I am proud of my accomplishments and independence as a single home-owner.  However, the fact that I have not successfully achieved independence in my career as a small business owner gnaws at me constantly like hunger pains that cannot be satisfied.

Choosing to purchase a home now seems like both a blessing and a curse. I adore my house and all the comforts that come along with it, such as privacy, quiet time and freedom to invite company.  Yet, homeownership also means a dreaded monthly mortgage payment and unexpected home repairs (furnace death, roof ailments and electrical disorders to name a few).  With such a demanding financial burden, it is quite frankly terrifying to consider taking the plunge into entrepreneurship.  If I lost my house, it would feel as though I had lost a piece of my identity.  My house represents independence, ambition and determination.  Nevertheless, the strong feelings I have toward my house do not compensate for the ache I have for career independence.

I have considered many options including an at-home bakery, an Excel spreadsheet maintenance and creation business and now a freelance writing career. The former two plans always seem to spark and then fizzle out over time.  The bakery would involve adherence to strict health regulations that I have difficulty interpreting while the Excel business was ruled out rather quickly because I want to break away from my current career in finance and accounting.  This field has yet to bring me a sense of fulfillment.  Although I may have a talent for numbers, formulas and financial principles, it does not translate into enthusiasm, excitement or eagerness.  The last and most recent option, freelance writing, has brought back a sense of pleasure that I have not experienced in many years.  I am diving into it head first.  So far, I queried a home improvement magazine pitching a few articles on some of the DIY projects I completed on my home, I applied to an interesting freelance posting involving article writing for local small businesses and their start-up stories and I created this WordPress blog.

The writing world is still very new to me, but I refuse to let that become an excuse to let the writing spark fizzle. I have spent many hours researching the industry, bookmarking helpful sites and reading stories about those who were once in my position.  Nevertheless, I still struggle to overcome a lingering feeling of uncertainty as though I know my destination, but I lack the map to get there.  As a person who prepares lunch for the next work day, lays out exercise clothes for the next morning and writes lists of to-dos for the week, this uncertainty is unnerving to say the least.  I need to constantly remind myself that positive outcomes are possible even without the aid of a specific plan or outline.  Completing this prompt today has served as that daily reminder and now I can see smoking ashes where the embers of flame once were only moments ago.thYD3RNLVTDaily Prompt: Fight

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3 thoughts on “The Daily Fight

  1. I can sense a disappointment in your words, and towards yourself, but as an outsider I find this post incredibly empowering. I can hear a fire behind all of it. Your passion to explore, uncover. Kudos to you for having the courage to look at all of this, recognise the yearning within you. To listen to yourself. A lot of people ignore that. Even though you can’t see where you are going, or what the path looks like, trust that you are on it. And enjoy the journey. This is an exciting time for you.

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