Everyday feels like a fight to put out the growing embers of self-doubt, negativity and confusion. My career and lifestyle did not turn out the way I had imagined. Looking back on old high school essays, my aspirations at the age of 18 entailed a marriage, children and ownership of a small bakery business. None of those dreams have turned into a reality ten years later. Although, I still hope to start a family at some point in my life, I am proud of my accomplishments and independence as a single home-owner. However, the fact that I have not successfully achieved independence in my career as a small business owner gnaws at me constantly like hunger pains that cannot be satisfied.
Choosing to purchase a home now seems like both a blessing and a curse. I adore my house and all the comforts that come along with it, such as privacy, quiet time and freedom to invite company. Yet, homeownership also means a dreaded monthly mortgage payment and unexpected home repairs (furnace death, roof ailments and electrical disorders to name a few). With such a demanding financial burden, it is quite frankly terrifying to consider taking the plunge into entrepreneurship. If I lost my house, it would feel as though I had lost a piece of my identity. My house represents independence, ambition and determination. Nevertheless, the strong feelings I have toward my house do not compensate for the ache I have for career independence.
I have considered many options including an at-home bakery, an Excel spreadsheet maintenance and creation business and now a freelance writing career. The former two plans always seem to spark and then fizzle out over time. The bakery would involve adherence to strict health regulations that I have difficulty interpreting while the Excel business was ruled out rather quickly because I want to break away from my current career in finance and accounting. This field has yet to bring me a sense of fulfillment. Although I may have a talent for numbers, formulas and financial principles, it does not translate into enthusiasm, excitement or eagerness. The last and most recent option, freelance writing, has brought back a sense of pleasure that I have not experienced in many years. I am diving into it head first. So far, I queried a home improvement magazine pitching a few articles on some of the DIY projects I completed on my home, I applied to an interesting freelance posting involving article writing for local small businesses and their start-up stories and I created this WordPress blog.
The writing world is still very new to me, but I refuse to let that become an excuse to let the writing spark fizzle. I have spent many hours researching the industry, bookmarking helpful sites and reading stories about those who were once in my position. Nevertheless, I still struggle to overcome a lingering feeling of uncertainty as though I know my destination, but I lack the map to get there. As a person who prepares lunch for the next work day, lays out exercise clothes for the next morning and writes lists of to-dos for the week, this uncertainty is unnerving to say the least. I need to constantly remind myself that positive outcomes are possible even without the aid of a specific plan or outline. Completing this prompt today has served as that daily reminder and now I can see smoking ashes where the embers of flame once were only moments ago.Daily Prompt: Fight